In The Beginning ...

I wish I could start this off with a bang; already being 2 years down the road with a clear purpose and less awkward beginning posts. But alas, it can't be. I am forced to write this obligatory first post where I tell you a little about myself and ramble on with some meaningless (or meaningful ... which is even more awkward at this stage in the game! Come on! We don't even know each other!) drivel just to fill up space.

And then, if this is like before, I'll erase it after I've posted it because I'm afraid people will think what I wrote is stupid. Except now I guess I care about what people care even less. (Maybe that's age? Or maybe that's having Little #4.)

But here we go!

I am a stay at home wife and mommy to 4 Littles ages 12, 7, 5, and 1, as well as to two fur babies Banjo and Charlotte.

The aforementioned #4 changed my brain. In some ways for the good and in others for the bad.
The good: I don't care about very much anymore. Really. You slipped in some dog poop and want to have a hose shower at 8 pm in your pajamas? Sure. Go ahead. You want to eat all your Easter candy in one sitting? Why not? Then we just have one day of crankiness as opposed to weeks of begging. The dog peed on the floor again? Oh well ... wipe it up. The list could go on ad infinitum. Does it matter in eternity? Will someone be seriously injured (physically or emotionally)? Will this cost me a lot of money? If the answer to these is no then my answer will most likely be yes.
The bad: Well, I can't remember anything. And sometimes I say yes to things that it surprises me I would have said yes to and I get mad. I am a great deal more cranky these days as well. I was never like this before and I'm not sure what's changed. More on that some other time ...

I am a perfectionist. To the point that I won't do anything because I can't do it all or I can't do it 'perfectly'. I am working on this. Learning to do what I can, when I can, because doing something is better than doing nothing and I am always happier as a result of some progress. Having my last baby has helped me in this department.

I am also an introvert. I need time to me to be able to recharge and feel refreshed. I don't feel like I get this nearly as much as I wish I did.

Along the way I feel I've lost myself. I LOVE my job. More than anything. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my littles. But somewhere along the line I feel like I've lost myself. And that makes me sad. And grumpy. And not always the momma I want to be. I want to strive to do better. For them. So that they don't have to live with my anger over them.

So maybe by writing, putting myself and my thoughts and ideas out there in front of my eyes, I'll be able to reconnect with who I am. And whoever wants to read along is welcome to. No promises on entertainment value.

I think that's all for my first post.

Hopefully I won't go back and delete it.