All Week

For the past week I've thought about what to write.

I don't want to write anything that makes me appear too pretentious; like I am in any position to give anybody any helpful advice on homemaking, or home schooling, or gardening, or even being a parent.

Sometimes I wish I was a Pinterest parent. But I am not. Not at all.

I am sitting at my computer at 11 on Friday night, staring at my printer which is home to a dress that I haven't tried on, an empty egg carton to return to my dad, a shoe with two insoles sticking out of it because my daughter likes to rip them out (not sure where the matching shoe went ... oh well, it's been sitting there so long they're too small anyway), a rainbow loom, a renewal slip for the post office box that I can't renew because I need to get a new passport, and bank statements from 2 months ago ... and that's just on my printer. I don't even dare mention the other stuff ... although saying that made me stop and throw some papers into the recycling beside me because, let's be honest, I'm never going to read them.

So, although I am a homemaker, and a home schooling mom, and I love gardening, and I most definitely am a parent I don't feel I have much to offer people in the way of advice.  I have had to let go of a lot of expectations I placed on myself.

My house will never be perfect. It's not me. I hope to get better. But if I don't allow people over because of the chaos I will never ever have anyone over.

Our schooling right now consists of ... well, not of very much. We read and do some phonics as well as some math, sometimes. And that's about it. It was very hard to come to the realization that I can't do it all and buying the super cool curriculum with all these crazy activities involved just stressed me out and took all the fun out of school for me, and in turn for my kids.

My garden is only half planted. And by half planted I mean that most of what is there is growing from stuff I let die last year. My tomatoes come in GREAT! And I never do anything. Not even water them. I love gardening but we don't have a yard. It is all in this sandy patch of dirt beside my house which will be paved over this fall (Boo! But it must be done ... ) and in containers. I am trying my hand at raspberries and blackberries in large pots. We will see how that goes.

And being a parent? Well, I am sucking in that department. I'm hoping this is just a season. I am not a nice mom. And I used to be. I used to be loving, patient (most of the time), and fun to be around. But I'm not anymore. I don't like it. I don't like being the yelling, swearing parent. It doesn't line up with what I believe or what I would teach my children was right. We are transitioning into the teen years with my oldest and my youngest is just a year (we have 4). It is not an easy time and there are many other issues with them individually. I just feel so ill equipped. Maybe everybody does?

So that is what my week has been. How can I come here and tell people how wonderful my life is (which it is ... but you know what I mean) and watch what I do because I do it so well. I don't want to put on the Vaseline smile and give you one more blog to make you feel like an inadequate person ... because we are not all we're cracked up to be on Pinterest. Well, some of us are. I call them keeners ... and good for them. Because if I could do it I would. But I can't. So I won't. Because I'm pretty sure it would turn me into a terrible, crazy old bat!

And that is that. I am now motivated to clean off my desk before I go to bed.

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In The Beginning ...

I wish I could start this off with a bang; already being 2 years down the road with a clear purpose and less awkward beginning posts. But alas, it can't be. I am forced to write this obligatory first post where I tell you a little about myself and ramble on with some meaningless (or meaningful ... which is even more awkward at this stage in the game! Come on! We don't even know each other!) drivel just to fill up space.

And then, if this is like before, I'll erase it after I've posted it because I'm afraid people will think what I wrote is stupid. Except now I guess I care about what people care even less. (Maybe that's age? Or maybe that's having Little #4.)

But here we go!

I am a stay at home wife and mommy to 4 Littles ages 12, 7, 5, and 1, as well as to two fur babies Banjo and Charlotte.

The aforementioned #4 changed my brain. In some ways for the good and in others for the bad.
The good: I don't care about very much anymore. Really. You slipped in some dog poop and want to have a hose shower at 8 pm in your pajamas? Sure. Go ahead. You want to eat all your Easter candy in one sitting? Why not? Then we just have one day of crankiness as opposed to weeks of begging. The dog peed on the floor again? Oh well ... wipe it up. The list could go on ad infinitum. Does it matter in eternity? Will someone be seriously injured (physically or emotionally)? Will this cost me a lot of money? If the answer to these is no then my answer will most likely be yes.
The bad: Well, I can't remember anything. And sometimes I say yes to things that it surprises me I would have said yes to and I get mad. I am a great deal more cranky these days as well. I was never like this before and I'm not sure what's changed. More on that some other time ...

I am a perfectionist. To the point that I won't do anything because I can't do it all or I can't do it 'perfectly'. I am working on this. Learning to do what I can, when I can, because doing something is better than doing nothing and I am always happier as a result of some progress. Having my last baby has helped me in this department.

I am also an introvert. I need time to me to be able to recharge and feel refreshed. I don't feel like I get this nearly as much as I wish I did.

Along the way I feel I've lost myself. I LOVE my job. More than anything. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my littles. But somewhere along the line I feel like I've lost myself. And that makes me sad. And grumpy. And not always the momma I want to be. I want to strive to do better. For them. So that they don't have to live with my anger over them.

So maybe by writing, putting myself and my thoughts and ideas out there in front of my eyes, I'll be able to reconnect with who I am. And whoever wants to read along is welcome to. No promises on entertainment value.

I think that's all for my first post.

Hopefully I won't go back and delete it.